Hello my beautiful readers, it’s been a while.. I know, I’ve been slacking. I’m going to fess up right now.. I’ve been grinding on Final Fantasy XIV for the past two weeks, and I also got my household goods, which I had to unpack. So there it is, the truth behind my absence! But fear not, unlike what the title suggests, this is a whole truth — because who honestly admits they game on occasion, especially all of us ladies out there? 😉
My therapist called, she wanted answers. Just kidding, that was a while ago — but she did ask me to write a little list-blurb on what my fears were before moving to Spain. I figured I would share, because as a married woman, who precariously balances her happiness levels and is spending her first time away from what she calls “home,” it was kind of an important task.
Fears – I feel like the word “fear” has such a heavy stigma attached to it. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Acknowledging your fears opens the door for you to methodologically break them down, to see why they are there and how they are impeding on your journey through life. My particular set of fears were simultaneously making me falter and second guess my decision to come to Spain.
Now, some of my fears were petty, while others were not. But together, they played a large role in my anxiety and hesitation. So what are these fears, and why do I think sharing them online is such a great idea? Well, let’s answer the second part of the question first.
I find myself believing that we are not open enough about our fears. We do not sit down and acknowledge them, we do not look at them in the eye and look for the source. We do not share them with others, and more often than not, we do not share them with loved ones. My particular set of fears are apart of who I am, they are fears because I am worrying about the future. That’s where anxiety lends a hand.
Too often we look too far into the future and get side-swept by the what-ifs – the potential happenings. We get carried away by what we think will happen, or how we think we will feel. Now, I’m not saying my fears are without due cause – I have reason to worry, but I could not let that control me. Each of my fears grew out of something. But I often did not acknowledge the origin of my fears, and instead let them control me.
Before coming to Spain I had around 11 notable fears — some that were the cause of moving to Spain, and others that have lingered consistently over the years:
- For my aunt to die while I’m away — She has chronic bronchitis, and I hate to say this, but visiting her is not on the top of our married agenda.
- To fail as a wife — to not be good enough, or to be later labeled as “divorced,” which to me, equates to failure.
- To be unsuccessful in my career endeavors — moving to Spain for 2+ years is significantly putting my career on hold. With a job that is not affiliated to my MA, I will have no experience upon returning to the States.
- To not have friends and be alone in Spain — No one wants to be alone.
- To not be taken seriously — I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a clusterfuck of emotions, flightiness, and my head is often in the clouds. But I can be serious, I just don’t take the proper things seriously, I guess.
- To not be able to live fully from my past — separating myself from my mother who stole my identity and who has quite a few mental illnesses, and extracting myself from my step-father’s abuse…all which proves to be quite a daunting task.
- To never enjoy sex and it ruining my relationship — Surprise, bet you didn’t think I’d say that. But sex shouldn’t be a taboo discussion point, and it’s important to recognize where it’s an issue.
- To be tied down — no independence is like chaining my soul. I have been independent for so long that to rely on one person for everything, everyday.. to feel that I barely have a shred of independence is scary. So very scary.
- To live part-way with indifference and apathy — I have never been the one for 70%, 85%, etc. To feel that I am living part-way — partly happy, partly put together, partly passionately is hurting me.
- To not have compassion and companionship in marriage.
- To have kids — not being able to provide for them, to be like my mother, to hate my children. I also do not want to have children when I have one and a half feet into my marriage. There’s no way.
These fears seem trivial to everyone but me, however, they are a part of who I am. They stem from the very core of myself. Many of these fears wrap solely around my marriage, but when marriage is such a large part of your life, can you expect otherwise?
These fears are being spoken candidly but only to those of you I do not know. I have not voiced these fears to anyone, because I have yet to fully accept what they mean. They have been written and acknowledged, but have yet to be full spoken aloud.
Is it wrong to fear speaking of these fears in such a way?
Like I said, the stigma behind “fear” is quite heavy. I don’t feel comfortable voicing my fears aloud. I do not want to unintentionally fault anyone, or to falter on my journey. Instead, I have chosen to acknowledge them on my own — to look at them in such a way that I do not let me hinder me. But I think even the act of writing them down is a method in which you can use to better understand yourself, and work towards resolving the fears you hold.
Everything seems far worse in your head if you let your anxiety take control.