Going Somewhere, and Nowhere at the Same Time

Two steps forward, one step back – it’s a messy process. It’s slow, arduous, and unsettling. And the worst part is, that’s usually how life works.

I’m at the point in my life where I feel like I’m back pedaling. At some point I was going forward at a steady pace. And I was becoming complacent. Now, as I look around I see the same scenery I’ve gazed upon countless times – same trees, same people, same buildings, same air.

I never thought I would be back here again, but somehow fate has led me full circle. I use to talk about the difference between fate and coincidence, and which influenced circling back to a certain point of time… and now I am beginning to think fate plays a much larger role than I originally assumed.

Right now, at this very moment, I can’t decide if I should laugh or cry. It’s like.. falling into yourself. You’re forced to think about things a bit different, but can’t fully grasp how exactly to think about something. So you stumble, and you have mood swings, and you’re confused and tired, and lonely and happy. And you just keep falling.

You’re falling and you look around to realize you’ve been here before. You’e right back where you started — and it’s exhausting. All of a sudden you are at the same place you’ve been before, but you’ve changed. You’re not the same person anymore. Yet you feel powerless because you just spent the last couple of years skipping down the road, only to realize you’ve been skipping around the same block. Life. Are you surprised?

But would you rather skip around the block and have the opportunity to change along the way. Or would you rather have not gone anywhere, with only the seasons changing? Well, the truth is – the seasons are going to change regardless; with or without you.

To me, circling back – whether it’s fate or coincidence, is exhausting and it hurts. It hurts my very soul. Because I have spent my whole life remaking myself and proving to myself that I am in control. I am hardworking enough to succeed. But here I am, circling back and finding myself falling. Whether I stop falling or not is hardly my concern. My concern is the ruffled feathers along the way, and the scenery that is now in front of me and behind me.

My concern is I’ve gone somewhere, yet nowhere at the same time.

I can’t ignore where I’ve gone and where I am. I can’t ignore my dance with fate that has strategically put me back from where I came. And I can’t ignore my feelings – the highs and the lows, that come with this familiar scene. But I can accept one thing, at least: my journey has changed me along the way. And no matter how many steps I take forward, and however many steps I take back, I will learn from it – and I have.

Because fate is like a gentle breeze guiding me toward a path. But the difference is, I decided to take the path. I decided to circle back, even when I didn’t need to.

I wasn’t forced, I wasn’t coerced. I steadily walked forward, and I carefully stepped back. Right now I can’t stop myself from falling, and I can’t settle my ruffled feathers mid-flight — but I can accept that even my feathers were in need for a change. And free falling is far more comforting when you recognize your surroundings.

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The light within me humbly acknowledges and honors the light within you.

– Yours truly, MM

 

 

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A quarter century year old Millennial. This is a lifestyle blog for all of her life decisions, documenting the things she does. Like any normal person she tries, succeeds, and often times fails at things. Follow her on a journey of life's mishaps, adventures, and mediocrity.

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